Black Bread

A word of warning - I would not recommend doing any of what follows.

So, here's the game plan for making this bread. To start, wake up just before 3:15 a.m. Try to go back to sleep for about half an hour, but fail. Mentally rearrange your schedule for the day, and decide that means it would be best to make your bread for the week then instead of late at night. This decision will be the first mistake of many, so be prepared!

First, proof 5 teaspoons of yeast in 1/4 of a cup of warm water. While that starts to bubble away, stir 3/8 of a cup of cornmeal into 3/4 of a cup of cold water (we've already got some awesome measurements, right?). Once stirred, pour into 3/4 of a cup of boiling water. While the cornmeal/water starts to thicken up, stir in 2 1/2 tablespoons of brown sugar, 1 tablespoon of salt, 1 tablespoon of butter, 1 tablespoon of instant coffee, 1 tablespoon of unsweetened cocoa powder, and 1 1/2 teaspoons of caraway seeds (I'm pretty sure this recipe has at least twice as many ingredients as any bread I've made so far). Once this mixture is too thick (mistake #2) and sludge-like, pour it into the proofing yeast. "But Daniel!" you exclaim, "Won't pouring boiling hot sludge into yeast kill the yeast and stop the bread from rising?!" Well, yes. Yes, I think it will. That would be mistake number 3.

Anyway, start stirring in the following flours one cup at a time: 2 cups of dark rye flour, 1 cup of whole wheat flour, and 2 cups of all-purpose flour. The dough will be extremely tough, and by the 4th cup of flour it will be almost impossible to stir in anymore. Now, the book recipe suggests adding more warm water as necessary to stir in the right amount of flour. To get to mistake the fourth, badly misread the measuring cup and add another 1/2 cup of warm water. Well, it'll at least be pretty easy to add that last cup of flour now!

Time to knead... and getting this one into shape will truly be a herculean effort! Not only will this be easily the toughest and densest dough yet featured on this blog, thanks to our last mistake we'll have to knead in about another 3/4 of a cup of flour to get the dough to a good, elastic consistency. After a good 15-20 minutes of such kneading, put the dough in a buttered bowl and place in a warm spot for the

First Rising (2 hours)
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A trio of extra learning moments this morning. First, perhaps like me you had never tried instant coffee before. But, in preparing to make a loaf of bread you suddenly find yourself in possession of way too much of it, and at a rather early hour in the morning, no less. Inspiration and curiosity might strike, but you know what? Cheap instant coffee is nasty. But perhaps more inspiration strikes you! After all, you've now also got a tin of cocoa powder. Perhaps adding some cocoa and some sugar might make for a nice mocha beverage? Nope, still gross. Let's call that the fifth mistake.

Now, if you've been following the game plan, about 2/3 of the way through the first rising the sun will start to rise. Don't forget to take a sunrise walk, they are surprisingly nice and relaxing, even if you are quite tired. That's probably your first smart move of the day.

But don't get too cocky about that. Once you've gotten back, eaten breakfast, and brushed your teeth, try to resist the urge to continue eating. As it turns out, the taste of apples and Xtreme Herbal Mint toothpaste do not mix terribly well. Mistake 6.
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After 2 hours, the dough will have risen to, say, an extra 5% of its original volume. Not a good sign. Well, punch the dough down...but be warned: punch this dough and it will punch back! Knead the dough for a few minutes to loosen it up a little bit, then put in a buttered 8x4 bread pan. Now, you could then put the pan somewhere warm for 45 minutes for a second rising -- a sort of hail Mary of hopeless optimism -- but that would be mistake #7: we all know the dough isn't going to rise anymore.

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Brush the top of the loaf with a beaten mixture of 1 egg white and 1 tablespoon of cold water. Bake for 50 minutes.

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Tasting verdict: So, the recipe claimed that this would make two 8x4 loaves, but thanks to my little "boil all the yeast to death" fiasco, I barely got one loaf of bread out of this. And, to be honest, I don't think this should be called a loaf... a brick of bread might be the more appropriate appellation. Anyway, the positives: the taste isn't all that bad, rather nice actually. Also, I really like the way the crust looks...sort of like a cracked-earth, desert landscape right in my kitchen! On the other hand, the bread is, as you might have guessed, obscenely dense. All in all, I'd say this was one of my weaker efforts. Also, if anybody has another recipe for making a black bread, I'd love to try it!

Currently reading: It's finals week, so... textbooks and lecture notes.

Currently eating: Deli sandwich with roast beef, provolone, and a bit of mayo. On ridiculously dense bread. Not too bad.